Dark Market
A play in one act.
Author’s Note: I wrote this piece as a submission to a one-act play festival back in 2015. An experimental work of theater, it attempts to stage a drama that takes place in a largely digital space. Seeing it actually staged was a singularly humbling experience, and I think the audience enjoyed it. It also came across funnier than I intended, which was weird and cool.
It was also my first attempt to bridge my crypto-focused writing with my creative work. In DARK MARKET, the fictional Hyrule Market is targeted by federal agents in November 2014 — the same time the government went after a number of dark web sites, including the successor to the Silk Road.
I’ve toyed with the notion of expanding this piece into a novel or possible screenplay; still TBD on that front. Until then, please enjoy and share your thoughts and comments below!
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ZELDA, admin (woman)
GLASSPANDA, admin (woman)
MRJOHN, admin (man)
FIGURE IN BLACK
(The set consists of three tables, each with a chair. Ideally, the tables are lit from above. The positioning of the tables is at the discretion of the stage designer and the needs of the performance space, but the stage formation needs to emphasize the distance between the actors as they are connected to one another via the internet rather than sharing a physical space together.
ZELDA enters with a laptop tucked under one arm, gazing down at a smartphone in her hand. She sits at the foremost table, sets the phone down, and opens the laptop. She starts typing. GLASSPANDA enters, also holding a laptop, and sits at one of the other tables. She sips from a mug of coffee and opens her laptop. After taking a phone from her pocket and setting it down on the table, she begins to type.)
GLASSPANDA: Good morning, Zelda.
ZELDA: Good morning, GlassPanda. You hit the queues yet?
GLASSPANDA: Not yet. Felix said he cleared a bunch of tickets from last night about some fuckbags advertising kiddie shit on the forums but that was about it.
ZELDA: Christ. It never ends. Can’t they just use one of the pedo sites and leave us alone?
GLASSPANDA: Lots of scum out there peddling rat shit, unfortunately.
ZELDA: I’ll take a look. I can’t stand them. They’re barely human. Let me know if you see any tickets about that shit, okay?
GLASSPANDA: You got it, boss.
(ZELDA picks up her phone and sends a text. It buzzes and she types again on the laptop. GLASSPANDA takes a phone from her pocket and swipes at its screen and types, sipping from her coffee. ZELDA sets her phone down and begins to type on her computer. She stops.)
ZELDA: Zelda, my apologies for not getting back to you sooner. I have been doing lots of traveling. The truth is things here at Mars Three have not been so good. Many of my vendors have been hit and someone stole 300 bitcoins last week. I am also very afraid that one of our admins has been compromised. One of my vendors thinks there are FBI agents posting on the forums. People are starting to get afraid and leave. Maybe you have seen some of our traffic. The truth is I am frightened and though I do not like to go out this way I think I need to disappear for a while. I am afraid that we will lose control of the market and will be turned into a honeypot. That’s why I am sending you this email now. Some might think this is wrong but I will take the money we are holding. If I don’t I don’t know how I will eat. I hope you don’t think less of me. We did good business before and you were always professional and careful. I hope you are careful now as I am sure you are. Thank you again for that loan. Maybe we can have that drink someday. Until then I am going to close my doors. People will talk and there will be backlash but I do not want to go to prison or be forced to betray. Maybe some of our good vendors make their way to you and business will be good again like it was. I would like that. Yours, Orpheus. (Beat.) Hey Panda.
GLASSPANDA: Yeah, boss?
ZELDA: Mars Three is going bust.
GLASSPANDA: For real?
ZELDA: Orpheus emailed me a few hours ago.
GLASSPANDA: Jesus. They were one of the good ones. Hacked recently, right?
ZELDA: They got into the hot wallet, yeah. He said the FBI might be inside the walls.
GLASSPANDA: Jesus.
ZELDA: They’re going to walk with everyone’s money.
GLASSPANDA: What?
ZELDA: He said he needed it. Didn’t say how much. “I hope you don’t think less of me”, he said.
GLASSPANDA. How could he do that? He never struck me as the scamming type, the few times we’ve chatted.
ZELDA: Yeah.
GLASSPANDA: Reddit’s going to lose it.
ZELDA: It always does.
GLASSPANDA: Should we post something about this?
ZELDA: I don’t know.
GLASSPANDA: The site is still up. Nothing on Reddit right now. Maybe he was just bullshitting you.
ZELDA: Maybe.
GLASSPANDA: What do you think?
ZELDA: I don’t know. I always liked Orpheus. Never took him for the thieving type.
GLASSPANDA: Until now.
ZELDA: Until now.
GLASSPANDA: Would you do it?
ZELDA: Do what?
GLASSPANDA: Run with the money.
ZELDA: No. That’s not how we do business.
GLASSPANDA: Yeah. Agreed. We go down with the ship, right?
ZELDA: As deep as it takes us. You get anything done on the queue yet?
GLASSPANDA: Working on it.
(GLASSPANDA begins to type on her phone before setting it down and typing on her laptop. ZELDA types on her laptop. From the off-stage area by GLASSPANDA, the FIGURE IN BLACK enters. Ideally, it should appear as if they were already there – perhaps hiding behind her table or kneeling nearby in the shadows. The FIGURE grabs GLASSPANDA, putting their hand over her mouth. GLASSPANDA is quickly pulled out of sight. After a few beats, GLASSPANDA returns, now wearing a dark jacket, sunglasses and a hat. She pockets the phone on the table, takes another from the jacket pocket and sets it on the table. She begins to type.)
GLASSPANDA: Working on the queue. Hot wallet looking good.
ZELDA: Perfect, thanks. (ZELDA picks up her phone and uses it for a few moments before setting it on the desk and beginning to type once more.) November 4 2014. I paid for three more servers to be brought online today. Last week’s DDOS attacks haven’t been followed up, although the inbox is, as always, filled with the usual blackmail and hack threats. Even worse is that there are more kiddie porn fuckers crawling all over the forums. Thankfully, MrJohn and Felix have been amazing on this. This weekend I’m going to Cape Cod for the next two weeks to stay on the shore in Truro with David. I’m nervous about leaving GP in charge but I need a vacation. Should I retire? David makes good money and I have more than I care to type out stashed away. I could use a break from all of this. (MRJOHN enters and takes seat at the last free desk.)
MRJOHN: Hey folks.
ZELDA: Hey MrJohn.
MRJOHN: Finally got some fucking sleep. I was up all night dealing with those kiddie pieces of shit trying to spamvertise on the forums. At least our community is capable of expressing indignity where it matters.
ZELDA: They make the Hyrule Castle forums what they are.
MRJOHN: A bastion of civility, a true forum.
ZELDA: Fair words from our chief mod. Thanks for dealing with that.
MRJOHN: I sleep better knowing they’ve been expunged from the hallowed halls of our forums. Also, Tickler has been DMing me nonstop about what he says are issues with the reputation system. I guess someone flagged him for not sending a package which he swears he put in the mail. Do you want to escalate this Zelda?
ZELDA: I’ll message him. Little French prick.
MRJOHN: Just reading the logs – that Mars Three stuff sounds crazy.
ZELDA: It’s unfortunate for sure.
MRJOHN: Hey, I talked to Felix last night – he said he wasn’t feeling well and wanted to take the day off. Not sure if he messaged you.
ZELDA: Nope.
MRJOHN: Well, there it is – he isn’t here.
ZELDA: Ha. Thanks for the heads up. Hopefully, we have a nice quiet Tuesday.
(There are a few moments of silent typing.)
GLASSPANDA: Hey Zelda.
ZELDA: What’s up?
GLASSPANDA: I think we might have a problem.
ZELDA: What’s up?
GLASSPANDA: I went into process some of the manual escrow requests and there are no bitcoins in any of our hot wallets.
(Everyone stops typing.)
ZELDA: What? (She starts typing.) Are you kidding me? Hang on. (She takes a USB
drive from her pocket and plugs it into her computer. GLASSPANDA begins to type.)
MRJOHN: Shee-it.
ZELDA: How much do we need to cover for escrow?
GLASSPANDA: (Smiling.) 75.
ZELDA: Alright, I’m sending it over to you now. I can probably buy some later today,
there’s an ATM not that far from here. (She pulls the USB from her laptop and pockets
it.) I’ll need some time to cycle those before we can actually use them, so we can cover this from the cold funds for now. MrJohn can you watch the forums in case anyone complains about late escrow release? Direct those people to me personally and I will explain.
MRJOHN: Can do, Zelda.
ZELDA: Did you get the money yet GP?
GLASSPANDA: Escrow payments have been met and the queue is clear.
ZELDA: Thanks. I want to know how those wallets got wiped. (Her phone rings. Her
face turns when she sees who is calling.) Hey love. (When she answers, the lights
illuminating GLASSPANDA and MRJOHN dim.) I’m good, good, just getting some work in at my apartment. Can I call you later? Yeah, take-in sounds fine. You pick. Okay. That’s fine. I love you too. Bye. (She sits down and begins to type.)
MRJOHN: Good news, Zelda – doesn’t seem like anyone complained about not having their escrow releases done in a timely fashion. I haven’t gotten any messages about it either.
ZELDA: Awesome, thanks, man. Everything good on your end, GP?
GLASSPANDA: Not exactly. My math was a bit fuzzy I guess – I need ten more bitcoins to cover this one other escrow. Can you transfer those to me?
ZELDA: Sure thing. (She takes the USB from her pocket and plugs it in. Beat.) What the fuck? (She stands up from her seat. The lights above MRJOHN and GLASSPANDA dim.) No. No! No, no, no, no! What the fuck?! (She stares at the laptop for a few moments before sitting down again. She begins to type. The lights come up above MRJOHN and GLASSPANDA once more.) Something is wrong, all of the bitcoins in the cold wallet aren’t in there anymore.
MRJOHN: What the hell? How?
ZELDA: GP, you’re sure I only sent you the 75 you asked for?
GLASSPANDA: Definitely. Came and went.
ZELDA: All I can think...all I can think of is that maybe my laptop was bugged or something. (She types for a few moments, stops and stares at her laptop.) Well, there it is. (She buries her face in her hands for a few moments before starting to type again.) There’s a transaction here for all of the bitcoins leaving the cold wallet 30 seconds after I sent you the 75. Fuck!
MRJOHN: What are we going to do?
ZELDA: I need to think.
GLASSPANDA: Know anyone who would lend us 4,000 bitcoins?
ZELDA: Not these days. Maybe a year ago they would have. (Beat.) We’re going to need to shut down the marketplace. We’ll keep the forums up.
MRJOHN: People are going to lose their shit.
GLASSPANDA: Of course they are. We just lost about 1.3 million dollars of their money.
ZELDA: Instead of doing the math on how fucked we are, can you try and be helpful? If my computer’s been hacked then the whole system might be compromised. We need to tell people to stop depositing money. MrJohn, please post something on the forums now.
MRJOHN: Already on it. How’s this? “Unfortunately our systems have been compromised and both customer and escrowed funds have been affected. The marketplace is being taken offline. Please please please do not deposit any more money into your wallets. More updates as we have them. The HC Team.”
ZELDA: It’ll have to do. Please put a banner or something on the main page about that too. (Beat.)
GLASSPANDA: Maybe someone should reach out to Felix about this. Might need all hands on deck.
ZELDA: Agreed. I’ll shoot him a message. MrJohn let me know as soon as the forums and site are updated. I just turned off the marketplace. We need to figure out
how the hell this happened.
GLASSPANDA: Pretty weird that Felix goes AWOL before the site gets all fucked.
ZELDA: Let’s not jump to conclusions.
GLASSPANDA: Just saying, doesn’t it seem at least a little suspicious to you that Felix has to take a day off the same day we get robbed? I mean this is the end.
MRJOHN: Forums and website updated. People are going to be pissed.
GLASSPANDA: You have to take this seriously, Zelda.
ZELDA: I am! I contacted Felix. We’ll see if he comes back.
GLASSPANDA: He’s gone. He took our money. I bet there’s proof. Check the system logs!
MRJOHN: GP, do you think Felix stole the money? I don’t think he’d do that.
GLASSPANDA: I’m not saying anything, yet. But you have to admit it’s pretty suspicious.
ZELDA: It is conspicuous, I’ll give you that. But he’s been working for me for months,
and there’s never been a problem.
GLASSPANDA: Obviously he would be on his best behavior if he wanted to get in the walls, learn our secrets, gain responsibility, access...
ZELDA: What the fuck do you want me to do?
GLASSPANDA: Get our money back!
ZELDA: How?
GLASSPANDA: We find Felix and we figure it out in person.
ZELDA: What are you talking about?
GLASSPANDA: I know someone, someone very good and professional, who can find people. This person could find Felix for us.
ZELDA: Felix uses Tor like the rest of us. How would this person of yours find him? How the hell do we even know if it’s a him?
GLASSPANDA: I’ve met Felix before. Once. A while back, when we first got started. He lived in the same city I did when we first started. He doesn’t live here anymore, but I know generally where he went. My friend can find him.
ZELDA: I don’t know.
GLASSPANDA: You remember what happened last time.
ZELDA: I know, but—
GLASSPANDA: Once a thief, always a thief.
ZELDA: He gave the money back.
GLASSPANDA: You were the one who wanted to give him a second chance.
ZELDA: Only after he fessed up. He only stole what, two bitcoins?
GLASSPANDA: So we have a confirmed thief who happens to not be here on the day that we are robbed of all of our money. Seems like we should at least try and see if he is related.
ZELDA: We should wait to hear back from him. He was online only a few hours ago.
MRJOHN: Hey not to interrupt but people are going apeshit on the forums. People are getting pretty heated about this.
ZELDA: Not surprising.
MRJOHN: Some pretty heartwarming comments about you, Z. Here’s the latest: “So the bitch ran off with our money. Big surprise.”
GLASSPANDA: We’re running out of time.
MRJOHN: Here’s another – “The whole market is getting spooked. Even Hyrule Castle wasn’t immune from fucking thieves who don’t know how to do good business. Might as well buy on the fucking street”.
GLASSPANDA: They sure seem happy.
MRJOHN: Ouch – “Tell Zelda to open her hole and piss out our bitcoins before we go get them ourselves.”
GLASSPANDA: See? We can’t afford to wait around. We can’t afford to do anything but take action.
ZELDA: How would we even pay this person? We just lost all of our funds.
GLASSPANDA: My friend would work for future earnings. I’ve known them for a long time. They can find Felix, beat an answer out of him, even kill him if we need be.
ZELDA: Again, I don’t know...
GLASSPANDA: He’s killed people before.
MRJOHN: This seems inadvisable. Felix is our friend.
GLASSPANDA: And he’s a fucking thief! We’re royally screwed if we don’t do something to get our money back. Have you ever had to hide, John? Like really hide? There are people who have lost money with us that are not going to take it so lightly. You really need to rethink your priorities here. You think you’ll be safe? That you can just go about your life the same way? Try avoiding leaving any kind of digital fingerprint for a day and see how easy it is.
ZELDA: GP.
GLASSPANDA: We don’t have time to talk about this any longer. What’s your decision,
Zelda?
MRJOHN: This sounds like a mistake. I don’t think you should do this, Zelda.
GLASSPANDA: Shut the fuck up, John.
ZELDA: Stop!
GLASSPANDA: Make a decision!
ZELDA: No! I’m not going to do it! (Beat.) No. That’s not how we do business. Even if that means...even if that means that the site is going down. I’m not going to authorize the beating or killing of someone, even if they might have fucked us over.
GLASSPANDA: Suit yourself. I’m done being a part of this.
MRJOHN: What are we going to do, then? (The lights above MRJOHN and
GLASSPANDA dim. ZELDA types, stops, then starts again more furiously. She pounds the desk with her fist.)
ZELDA: Fuck! This fucking Wi-Fi. (The lights above MRJOHN and GLASSPANDA come back up after a few moments.) Great. I’m starting to have connection problems. MrJohn, how are the forums?
MRJOHN: Do you want the friendly version or the real version?
ZELDA: What’s happening?
MRJOHN: Well there are three threads speculating on your location, another one suggesting that you live in Los Angeles and have spent our money on drugs, and at least five containing disgusting images combining scat porn and images from the Legend of Zelda series.
GLASSPANDA: You’re being weak, Zelda.
ZELDA: Excuse me?
GLASSPANDA: You’re letting someone walk away with everyone’s money. There’s money of mine in there, money of John’s – money of yours!
ZELDA: You don’t think I know that?
GLASSPANDA: I don’t know that you do. You’re behaving like a child who just woke up from a nightmare and is just sitting there.
MRJOHN: I’m having trouble accessing the forums. Looks like another DDOS, Zelda.
GLASSPANDA: See? I told you the people who are losing money because of us aren’t going to be happy. This is just the start.
MRJOHN: I can’t get on the main site either.
GLASSPANDA: You need to do something!
MRJOHN: What should I do, Zelda?
GLASSPANDA: Zelda?
ZELDA: Stop! (ZELDA’s phone begins to ring. She stops typing and stares at it as it rings. After a few more rings she answers it. The lights above MRJOHN and GLASSPANDA dim.) Hey David. I’m sorry I’m running late, I just—yeah, more work unfortunately. A few of my pitches came back and the clients wanted their stuff as quick as possible so I’ve just been here...yes. Yeah, that would be good. Just throw it in the oven for me and I’ll eat later. No, no, you don’t need to wait. I’ll be as quick as I can. (Beat.) Hey...I love you. I’ll be home soon. Bye. (She hangs up and stares past her laptop for a few moments before beginning to type. The lights above MRJOHN and GLASSPANDA return.) Guys, I don’t know what we’re going to do, but I’m not going to pay someone to find someone and then beat them up. I think we need to just be honest. I can post something to the forums and tell them...tell them we fucked up. This is on me. Neither of you are responsible for this mess.
MRJOHN: Zelda, that’s ridiculous.
GLASSPANDA: It is ridiculous. You’ve got a solution right in front of you.
ZELDA: No. We’re screwed but I’m not about to go down that road.
MRJOHN: I still can’t get on the forums and the site is still inaccessible. Hey, there’s someone posting that Quantix is offline too. Not responding to tickets.
ZELDA: I’m going to post something on Reddit. I will explain our situation and tell them that we’re doing everything we can to get our money back.
GLASSPANDA: But we aren’t. That’s a lie. You are lying.
ZELDA: You aren’t helping.
GLASSPANDA: I’m trying to. I’ve offered a solution to track down the person who robbed us and you’re sitting on your ass. Just give me the word and I can take care of this.
ZELDA: I’m done. It’s not happening.
(Quiet falls. ZELDA types in spurts. After a few moments we see the FIGURE IN BLACK emerge behind MRJOHN and, as before, seize him and pull him offstage. After a few moments MRJOHN returns, in a dark hat, jacket and sunglasses.)
ZELDA: Here’s what I’ve got: “This is Zelda, the chief admin of HC. I wanted to take a few minutes to tell you exactly what happened today before people start speculating. The truth is that we were robbed twice: once when some of our quick-use wallets were emptied, and a second time when our offline customer funds were depleted as well. This amounts to about 4,000 bitcoins in customer funds, plus another 100 or 200 that we had in the quick-use wallets. This second theft was my fault, because, in a panic, I chose to use customer funds to meet existing obligations and, because of that, exposed everyone to a security risk. No one else associated with HC is to blame for this. The way forward from here is unclear at this time, and as soon as we have a timeline of recovery you will be the first to know. I apologize for failing you and will do everything I can to return as much funding as possible to our affected customers.”
MRJOHN: Looks good.
GLASSPANDA: Yup.
ZELDA: I’m going to post this and sign off for a while and then go home. Will you guys be on for a while? I want to know the instant the forums and the site are accessible again so we can post that message.
MRJOHN: You got it.
GLASSPANDA: Don’t worry about it.
ZELDA: Okay. Thanks, guys. I’m sorry about today. (Beat. The lights above MRJOHN and GLASSPANDA cut sharply.) This is on me and I’m going to fix this. (Beat.) Shit. Fucking Wi-Fi. Come on, don’t do this to me now. Are you kidding me? Goddammit! (We hear a sharp door knocking off stage. She looks down at her laptop, then, lifting it, she smashes it hard several times on the desk, then picks up her phone to make a call. Another sharp knocking.) Hey, I’m running late, but I’m on my way to your place now. I’ll be there soon. Yeah, I can pick up the order. Just put it under your name. Okay. I love you too. (She lowers the phone, then breaks it on the desk beside the laptop. Another round of knocking. ZELDA backs away from the desk and moves out of the light. End.)
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